Linda Legendre
Transforming her role as healer
Radiation
One of the preparations for radiation of the neck is to be fitted for a mask. This device is placed over the face during every treatment and screwed into the table by its plastic edges to prevent the slightest movement of the head. The areas for treatment are marked with computer precision to avoid sending radiation beams anywhere but where they should go. The fitting involves soaking a piece of wire mesh to soften it for the few minutes it takes to mold to your face. Then it's removed from the face and allowed to harden. I ended up with a pointy little nose, and it was hard not to find something amusing in that mask despite the seriousness of radiation. One might worry about the claustrophobic factor, but I was able to breathe easily with the mask on and the treatments were very short. The radiation techs were very skilled with these procedures and were also very reassuring. I usually did a little meditation to keep myself still. I asked to keep the mask once I finished treatments. Halloween is a great idea for recycling it, and I could guarantee I'd be the only one with one of those masks at any Halloween party.
My son was able to come here from his home in Copenhagen for three long visits during my treatment and his second visit coincided with the start of the radiation. Since both he and my daughter were with me, we had another healing circle as I entered the second phase. Eight people told stories of a difficult time in their lives and how they coped. It made me feel so connected to all people having sad and difficult times, and I really felt I was not going to be alone in this next part of the journey.
My daughter took a leave of absence from work and came to stay with me for the entire time of radiation and much of the summer. She is a modern dancer with her own dance company in Seattle and lives her life in a very creative and spontaneous fashion. I was able to benefit so richly from her spirit and her energy as we entered this time of role reversal. Now, the daughter was caring for her mother. We planned trips around Boston, visited friends in the city and took advantage of all the programs for cancer patients at Dana-Farber, including creative artwork and music and spiritual therapy. I didn't have much of the fatigue they mentioned might happen and the sore throat didn't hold me back. For 35 days, we pretended those radiation treatments were the afterthought of the trip into Boston. We probably set a record for the number of places we discretely performed G-tube feedings and also for the amount of times we spilled the food and red liquid red pain medication all over the car and my clothes. Having a tube is hardly the sexiest thing, but the inner circle of my family has G-tube humor that will last a good number of years.
My radiologist was especially helpful in giving me suggestions for being proactive in the effort to keep the side effects of radiation to a minimum. I did the tongue/jaw yoga many times a day to keep the strictures from forming there, and I continued to swallow at least water even when the going got a bit rough. I adjusted to the tube, but I still didn't want it around forever. Swallowing frequently was the way to keep the throat ready for food in the future.
Narcotics entered into the picture somewhere after the third or fourth week of radiation, and I was, at first, determined to take very little. A friend of mine reminded me that there were no prizes for the person who took the least pain medicine, so I became a little more reasonable about it. Reducing the discomfort made the difference in keeping up with my swallowing goals. In the early reintroduction of real food, it was critical. I had interesting dreams as a result of the medication, almost always about accomplishing wonderful things. In my dreams I wrote books and acted in the movies—quite opposite from my waking life where I could not even write legibly in my journal anymore. I have a memorable photo of myself in my cute blond wig, sporting a black eye from walking into the wall one night, obviously still in my drugged state.
Next page: Rebirth
